Fresh-July 13

March 8^th.  The last time I blogged.  I could spend lots of time here sharing all of the reasons why I haven’t blogged in four months but that would just weigh me down and truly when the feeling to write comes over me I usually have some specific ideas I want to get out.  That is true today, so I am not going to bog down my brain with what’s been going on since I last blogged. 

Just starting fresh, today, July 13. 

Feeling super emotional the last week or so.  Missing my mother so badly.  This ride is long and hard and man, what everyone says is so true: it will bring you to your knees without a moment’s notice. 

For some reason lately, I have actually forgotten my mother is dead.  I have had simple life moments happen that made me initially think, “I have to tell mom this.”  I have been having some fun with a few DIY projects and in the middle of the process I have thought, “I need to call mom and ask her opinion on this color.”  My children have each celebrated birthdays now without her.  Before each birthday I thought, “I can’t wait to tell mom what he/she has chosen for their cake this year.” I have woken up in the morning thinking, “I’ll call mom and see what she is doing today.” 

 And honestly, it takes my brain a few moments to snap back to the reality that I cannot do any of these things.  I cannot consult my mother on any of these issues.  I cannot share any more of my life with her.  And boy, does that sting. 

I have been on the verge of tears for weeks now.  I can feel the grief building inside me like a balloon filled with too much air.  On the verge of popping.  I told my dear husband today that I feel like I just need to cry.  A long hard, ugly, loud cry.  I seriously need a release of this balloon. 

I find it so strange that one can come to terms with a death, experience that loss begin to heal and move forward only to be knocked back down again.  I have been told it was like this but I guess this is my first experience of falling to the dirt again after climbing so high from it.  Yesterday, I found some pictures of my mother and I did that whole staring at the picture, smiling and feeling my heart warm with love and burn with pain all at the same time.  As I looked, I again longed for her to put her arms around me.  I actually talked to her and said how I would love for her to hug me again.  I write this not to sound like a crazy lady but rather because I wish someone would have written honestly about their grief for me to read.  It is an emotion like no other and  I pray that someone would read and not deem me crazy but relate to my struggle and know that we are not alone.   

I am not alone.  God has given much to me in this life.  He is gracious and good.  He has also forgiven me of much.  All the times that I sinned against Him and threw His goodness away, He stood firm as my refuge, healer and my strength.  I continue daily to look to His word for my strength.  For His word is truth and it sustains me.

The LORD is righteous in all His ways,

Gracious in all His works.

The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,

To all who call upon Him in truth.

He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;

He also will hear their cry and save them.

The LORD preserves all who love Him

Bless you LORD.  I love you so.

Rainy Day Fun

Looks like we are in for another weekend of rain.  We will do our best to make the most of it by running in the sprinkles and playing in the mud. 

Redeemed

It is with a grateful and happy heart that I write today.  It has been a while since I have shared here on the blog and today just feels like a new day of rejoicing for me.  As I was walking this morning, I found myself shouting how great our God is.  Okay, I was not literally shouting as it was 6 a.m. and my hood' was quiet but my heart within me felt as though it was shouting.  With each word of praise I said to my King I felt a "boom" from within.  I am feeling stronger than I have felt since loosing my mother almost 6 months ago. 

I can't believe it has been that long.  Half a year since I last saw her or heard her voice.  The grief ride has been long and rough and has shown me things I had never seen before.  I have been broken like never before in my life but I have also been healed.  I have been healed in ways I never thought possible.  When I began this journey I could not see how a person could ever feel at peace again after loss.  Now sitting here six months later I can say that I could never have made it this far without my Lord. 

It is He who has sustained me each day.  It is He who moved in people's hearts to love on me.  It is He who placed me in the perfect bible study for this season.  It is He who gave me a safe place to cry EVERY week.  It is He who moved people's fingers to type messages of support.  It is He who placed sweet words of encouragement in people's mouths to share at just the right time.  It is He who gave me the strength to rise each day. 

A month or so back I went to the doctor for a check-up and she asked about my grief.  She asked if I was still crying everyday and how I felt emotionally.  I felt good that day but shortly thereafter I relapsed a bit in my grief process as a new big wave of grief hit.  It was different this time though.  It didn't last as long and wasn't as debilitating but it was still sadness that clung to my heart. 

People say that it takes time to grieve and time to get over or move through life changing events like death.  I now understand just what this means.  It does take time and it takes God, without Him I would not be changed.  I would still be a mess, a ball of sadness curled up in my bed.  This morning after my walk I was drawn into the Psalms and as I began reading it was so easy for me to put myself into the word.  So, I want to end and share with God's word.  My strength comes in reading it.

From Psalm 119

I cried out with my whole heart;
You heard me, O Lord!
I kept Your statutes.
I cried out to You;
You saved me, and I will keep Your testimonies.
I rose before the dawning of the morning,
And cried for help;
I hoped in Your word.
My eyes were awake through the night watches,
I meditated on Your word.
You heard my voice according to Your lovingkindness
You revived me according to Your justice.
You were near, O Lord,
And all Your commandments are truth.

~Psalm 119:145-151

Dear friends, He did revive me.  He saved me.  I grieved.  I grieved hard but I did not perish.  I hit the muck in the bottom of the pit but He pulled me out.  His lovingkindness revived my spirit and cleansed the muck from my soul.  I am so thankful to Him and to all of you for the part you have played in helping me rise.  Much love!

Couch Jumpin'

Yesterday, I was overjoyed to spend 5 hours in a photography class learning ways to improve my photography and getting to know my camera better.  Nerd alert:  I sat on the second row and soaked up every bit of information thrown at me.  It was an absolute blessing and I left more motivated than ever to continue along on this photography journey.  So, today I am trying out some of the tricks we discussed during class.  One of the trickiest photography settings is indoor incandescent light with lots of motion, like your 5 year old jumping on the couch.  The camera has to be set just right and finding a good light source is key to capturing these shots without them turning out blurry or out of focus.  So I pumped up my ISO and changed the white balance for these pics.  These two actions allowed me to capture the motion.  Fun, fun, fun! 

Party Time!

Our spunky girl turned 5 this week!  I will admit that my heart is heavy with growing pains.  The last 5 years have gone too fast.  I can't even remember many of the days.  They have faded away like vapor.  Like clouds floating through the sky they have floated on far away and I am left with memories.  But if I am really honest, the memories are fleeting too.  In the midst of the days I thought I would always remember.  That it would be impossible for me to forget all the funny things she said or the all the things she did. I thought I would have those moments forever but they do fade.  And I am left with some sadness that she will never do or say those things again.

 I am reminded of the book by Karen Kingsbury,  Let Me Hold You Longer.  In my opinion, every mother should be given this book upon their child's birth, because in the midst of all the tough early days with your new child you don't realize that very soon all the things you have come to know will have a last time.  We have already hit many of those lasts with our girl and that tears me up inside, because she is growing up and will move away sooner than I could hope for.  Tonight when I tucked her in she said she wanted to still live with me even when she was grown up and married.  I told her that I would love that and that she absolutely could. 

And I meant it.  In fact, that very thought makes me happy.  Because then, she wouldn't ever really leave and I could hold her longer. 

I'll end with a small piece from Karen's book and an answer to her question. 

Long ago you came to me;
a miracle of firsts;
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of
a lifetime of your lasts  . . . .

The last time that I held a bottle
to your baby lips.
The last time that I lifted you
and held you on my hip.

The last night when you woke up crying,
needing to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket,
wanting to be rocked.
The last time when you ran to me,
still small enough to hold.
The last time that you said you'd marry
me when you grew old.

Precious, simple moments and
bright flashes from your past ---
Would I have held you longer if
I'd known they were your last?

YES. I would have held her longer. tighter. stronger. Let me hold on longer, God, to every precious last.

Number 5

So, it is no secret that I love chalkboards.  In fact, I have an entire board dedicated to them on pinterest.  They are so fun and provide a fresh slate for words of inspiration, silly drawings and many other numerous writings.  Someday, I hope to have one in every room of our house.  I'm actually narrowing in on that goal, which is exciting!  A few weeks back, I bought an old painting at Goodwill, which happens to be my favorite medium for making a quick chalkboard.  Then, however, I left it out in the rain, which I was sure had ruined the frame and canvas.  Luckily, after a week or so, it dried out nicely and is just a tad warped.  I decided to use it anyway, just for decor purposes.  It could never withstand our kiddos writing and erasing on it.  But, here it is all decorated for our girl's fifth birthday.  Lovely!

Chosen and Dearly Loved