It is with a grateful and happy heart that I write today. It has been a while since I have shared here on the blog and today just feels like a new day of rejoicing for me. As I was walking this morning, I found myself shouting how great our God is. Okay, I was not literally shouting as it was 6 a.m. and my hood' was quiet but my heart within me felt as though it was shouting. With each word of praise I said to my King I felt a "boom" from within. I am feeling stronger than I have felt since loosing my mother almost 6 months ago.
I can't believe it has been that long. Half a year since I last saw her or heard her voice. The grief ride has been long and rough and has shown me things I had never seen before. I have been broken like never before in my life but I have also been healed. I have been healed in ways I never thought possible. When I began this journey I could not see how a person could ever feel at peace again after loss. Now sitting here six months later I can say that I could never have made it this far without my Lord.
It is He who has sustained me each day. It is He who moved in people's hearts to love on me. It is He who placed me in the perfect bible study for this season. It is He who gave me a safe place to cry EVERY week. It is He who moved people's fingers to type messages of support. It is He who placed sweet words of encouragement in people's mouths to share at just the right time. It is He who gave me the strength to rise each day.
A month or so back I went to the doctor for a check-up and she asked about my grief. She asked if I was still crying everyday and how I felt emotionally. I felt good that day but shortly thereafter I relapsed a bit in my grief process as a new big wave of grief hit. It was different this time though. It didn't last as long and wasn't as debilitating but it was still sadness that clung to my heart.
People say that it takes time to grieve and time to get over or move through life changing events like death. I now understand just what this means. It does take time and it takes God, without Him I would not be changed. I would still be a mess, a ball of sadness curled up in my bed. This morning after my walk I was drawn into the Psalms and as I began reading it was so easy for me to put myself into the word. So, I want to end and share with God's word. My strength comes in reading it.
From Psalm 119
I cried out with my whole heart;
You heard me, O Lord!
I kept Your statutes.
I cried out to You;
You saved me, and I will keep Your testimonies.
I rose before the dawning of the morning,
And cried for help;
I hoped in Your word.
My eyes were awake through the night watches,
I meditated on Your word.
You heard my voice according to Your lovingkindness
You revived me according to Your justice.
You were near, O Lord,
And all Your commandments are truth.
Dear friends, He did revive me. He saved me. I grieved. I grieved hard but I did not perish. I hit the muck in the bottom of the pit but He pulled me out. His lovingkindness revived my spirit and cleansed the muck from my soul. I am so thankful to Him and to all of you for the part you have played in helping me rise. Much love!