March 8th. The last time I blogged. I could spend lots of time here sharing all of the reasons why I haven’t blogged in four months but that would just weigh me down and truly when the feeling to write comes over me I usually have some specific ideas I want to get out. That is true today, so I am not going to bog down my brain with what’s been going on since I last blogged.
Just starting fresh, today, July 13.
Feeling super emotional the last week or so. Missing my mother so badly. This ride is long and hard and man, what everyone says is so true: it will bring you to your knees without a moment’s notice.
For some reason lately, I have actually forgotten my mother is dead. I have had simple life moments happen that made me initially think, “I have to tell mom this.” I have been having some fun with a few DIY projects and in the middle of the process I have thought, “I need to call mom and ask her opinion on this color.” My children have each celebrated birthdays now without her. Before each birthday I thought, “I can’t wait to tell mom what he/she has chosen for their cake this year.” I have woken up in the morning thinking, “I’ll call mom and see what she is doing today.”
And honestly, it takes my brain a few moments to snap back to the reality that I cannot do any of these things. I cannot consult my mother on any of these issues. I cannot share any more of my life with her. And boy, does that sting.
I have been on the verge of tears for weeks now. I can feel the grief building inside me like a balloon filled with too much air. On the verge of popping. I told my dear husband today that I feel like I just need to cry. A long hard, ugly, loud cry. I seriously need a release of this balloon.
I find it so strange that one can come to terms with a death, experience that loss begin to heal and move forward only to be knocked back down again. I have been told it was like this but I guess this is my first experience of falling to the dirt again after climbing so high from it. Yesterday, I found some pictures of my mother and I did that whole staring at the picture, smiling and feeling my heart warm with love and burn with pain all at the same time. As I looked, I again longed for her to put her arms around me. I actually talked to her and said how I would love for her to hug me again. I write this not to sound like a crazy lady but rather because I wish someone would have written honestly about their grief for me to read. It is an emotion like no other and I pray that someone would read and not deem me crazy but relate to my struggle and know that we are not alone.
I am not alone. God has given much to me in this life. He is gracious and good. He has also forgiven me of much. All the times that I sinned against Him and threw His goodness away, He stood firm as my refuge, healer and my strength. I continue daily to look to His word for my strength. For His word is truth and it sustains me.
The LORD is righteous in all His ways,
Gracious in all His works.
The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He also will hear their cry and save them.
The LORD preserves all who love Him
Bless you LORD. I love you so.