Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Fearful Grief

"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear." 
C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed

Man, this quote taken from the book I'm reading on grief sums up the way I have been feeling lately. 

Last night I actually laid awake for a while thinking,

"Oh God, I don't know what I would do if something happened to my husband or children. 
God, please don't let anything bad happen to my husband or children.  God, please don't take my husband or children."   

It is a strange place to be.  Begging to God from Him to keep you from heartache again.  Pleading with him to not take your most precious gifts. 

I always thought that I would be old and gray when I first experienced this type of loss.  I was not prepared for the loss that came so quickly, like a thief in the night; stealing away my mother and all the memories that we were yet to make.  Stealing my peace and at times my happiness.  Taking my joy and replacing it with grief.  Deep, dark, fear-filled grief. 

At times the grief has such a tight hold that I cannot breathe comfortably. 
I do not want to be in this place.
 I do not want to be gripped by fear so that I lie awake praying that no one else be taken from me.
 I do not want to keep holding my breathe waiting for the next unexpected tragedy or loss. 
I do not want to be the teary-eyed, weeping woman at bible study. 

 I want to be able to live again.  Daily live in confidence, not fear.  I am confident that my God is in control.  I am confident in His plan and in His timing.  I am confident in His plan for our lives and my mother's.  And I am most confident in the healing power of His son, my Savior Jesus.  So, each day I am trying, really trying to break free from the fear.  I am.  And as I daily muddle through this fear I am holding fast to His Word.  Many are the words that provide relief and comfort from the fear and grief.  Today I find relief in the psalms where it says that our God daily bears our burdens. 

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. 
 Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death.
 Psalm 68:19-20 

So each day as I try to live again He is bearing the burden for me. And I am sure that I am not the first person to beg to be saved from more pain and heartache.  The good news is that the Lord does save, in more ways than one. 

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