Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Last Goodbye

Today, there is one memory that hits hard.  I don't know why it is even on my mind other than the fact that the shock has worn completely off and I am now thinking and feeling like crazy!  My mind is often flooded with thoughts of the week after my mother's death.   I couldn't think of that period of time before without falling apart but God is allowing me to think of it now, and process, and grieve.   

There are certain things in this life you just don't imagine yourself doing.  You can't picture yourself doing them because they just don't seem possible.  This was and really still is the case for me as I think of the day we buried my mother's ashes in a quiet country cemetery in New Baden, Texas.  After the service, my brother Blake and I stayed behind.  I don't think that either of us woke that morning thinking that today would be the day that we would pour dirt on the small black box that held our mother's ashes.  I don't know who I thought would have that job but I didn't think it would be me.  However, at some point during the service we both  decided that we wanted to be the one's to last see the box, to put the first and the last bit of dirt on her. 

My husband stayed for a bit too.  I sat down in front of her headstone and watched as my brother began slowly pushing shovels of dirt into the hole.  It seemed the whole world was silent during those moments.  Silent except for  the sound of the shovel scraping the earth.  Picking up the dirt.  Echoed by the sound of the dirt falling into the hole.  I remember thinking how loyal and strong my brother was for doing this.  How amazed that he was able to complete the last task in the send-off. 

When he was done he sat down beside me on the dirt and grass and we stared at the headstone with our mother's name on it for what seemed like an eternity.  It was one of those moments described as time standing still.  We were  held there. In that very moment.  It was something that I never thought the two of us would do.  It didn't seem in the realm of possibilities for our lives.  In all of my wildest ideas, thoughts or visions I never saw us sitting together, two young adults held together by our mother's love wondering in a way, what do we do now.

 In many ways, I have held this time and this memory close to my heart.  While, before that day I could never have imagined being the ones to fill the hole, I am now grateful to have been there with my brother. . . .and my mother.  For me, it was our last moment together.  The three of us. 

It may be the last time we are all together on this earth.  I have not been back to the cemetery since.  I am sure that some day I will go again but for now  I just can't.  So, for now, I will hold onto that beautiful day in October when my brother and I sat on the dry Texas earth and said goodbye to our mother.

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